SoulPancake / Conversations / Would you rather teach your child empathy or how to defend him/herself?

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I can really relate to Banderra. My own childhood issues aside, I raised my two sons to follow the rules at their school, not fight unless they absolutely had to and think about how the other person might feel. Wow, they made good little victims for the bullys at school! I wholeheartedly agree that this was the theoretically right way to go, but I ended up having to INSIST that they defend themselves at school and in the neighborhood. Unfortunately, it is dog-eat-dog in most kids lives and its hard for them to learn to trust anybody. It took many years, but my adult sons now realize when to defend and when to talk. We shouldn't give up on empathy, its the way of the future!

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you can not teach empathy. you must learn to be empathatic and you learn through your life and the choices you make. self defense on the other hand can be taught but what good does it do if you have empathy when empathy is the opposite of self defense which is violence reciprocated?

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This is an excellent question and I'm sad that so many are misunderstanding it. Basically I think the choices boils down to two outcomes: Do I want to raise a child who is a better person, or do I want to raise a happy child. I am, so theres no confusion, talking in generality here. The best answer I can come up with..thats kinda cheating the question as well is this. I'll observe the child's nature and behavior, if they're naturally aggressive then I'll teach empathy, if its vice versa it'll do the opposite. Answering the question in a manner thats not cheating. I think i'd choose self defense. We live in a very predatory world and someone with pure empathy wont be in much of a position to use it anyway without a strong backbone.

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i'm on someone else's acct. sorry this isn't a response from the real Eiights

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err isn't the point of ANY confrontation for children to demonstrate a sense of assertiveness? seriously what happened to children "building character?" that being said, i think it's more important to possess the ability lay out and consider the consequences of one's actions rather attempting to apply some "universal" solution towards every single situation. or are we really still stuck in a world of black/white and ultra-conservativism/liberalism?

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I would teach her empathy, without a doubt. Compassion is so lacking these days. Without empathy we don't put ourselves in other's shoes - we become selfish! If we taught our children empathy maybe we wouldn't have to teach them to defend themselves, because they would stop and think about how their actions are going to affect those around them.

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Both. With a dollop of good sense to know when to employ either.

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I am an only-child who has had an empathy-oriented education, from the very early years: most books I read (and was read, before I could read) had pacifist messages, and my parents, as hippies, were deeply committed to raising me as a compassionate and pacifist human being. This left more than a few scars, even before I entered school. For example, I watched David Lynch's The Elephant Man at age 5: for the two following weeks I woke up crying in the middle of the night, my mom tells me, screaming "He was a human being!" I read Oscar Wilde's short stories, such as The Nightingale and the Rose, and cried my eyes out. All in all, my parents did a great job in raising for empathy. The thing is, humans are animals (there's no use in denying it, folks, let's just face it. mammals! ANIMALS! CREATURES OF NATURE!), and we can smell weakness in one another. It wasn't long before I became the laughing stock of the other kids (of course being a freak never helped) and from that to the first beat up, it was quick. The first time I got beat on the street, I collected my glasses from the pavement and simply turned my back as the laughter faded into the background. After that, many others came, as it became painfully clear that I wasn't going to hit them back. My point was: if violence generates violence, I cannot hit back, or else we'll have to punch each other forever. Someone has to stop that violence, someone has to offer the other cheek, and that will be me, I thought. And so it was, I loved my enemy and was sure I was doing the right thing until the day that a neighbor saw me in the middle of a circle, and saw the punch, and saw me walk out. He told my parents and my mom was furious. She had brothers and sisters, growing up, and was more than able to defend herself. That day, she fiercely lectured me on how, should someone hit me again, I had to fight back, or else she would hit me again when I got home. I was very bitter. I was a hero! How could she say she'd beat me again at home? I was fiercely Christian, and the most compassionate, most idealistic child I have ever heard of. And all I can tell you is that it cost me a lot. I never hit someone, to this day, but boy do I wish I could. These days, people don't abuse me anymore (it took me years of building a seemingly tough crust), but I still feel that those years defined me as a person. For instance, I struggle with a tendency to expect more from people than they are willing to give, I have serious issues with trust (I trust too fast and too easily), forgive way more than I should, and I am also less prone to excel as a businesswoman thanks to my total lack of predatorial education. I relive my naive attempt at changing the world non-violently everytime someone tries to screw me over, at work or college. So, to answer the question, I think this should not be a choice. EMPATHY AND SELF-DEFENSE MUST COEXIST. If one is taught without the other, this entails that you will be crippling your child to an extent. Being compassionate of your offender is awesome, but not putting yourself in first place is unnatural and has consequences.

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If I had to choose one, I would choose self-defense. As an American, I feel our lives are so easy that we put unrealistic emphasis on the ideal of empathy. It is a dog-eat-dog world out there. That said, I would not choose just one. In this dog-eat-dog world, we need intimate connections to feel truly secure, and these cannot be obtained and sustained without empathy. To paraphrase: physical security first, emotional security second and Hurray! for not having to choose just one.

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When empathy overcomes the need for self-defence, the latter won't be necessary.

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Without a doubt, I would teach my children empathy. One needs to know that it is ok to feel for others. From there all questions are answered.

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I agree that the two are not mutually exclusive. I teach empathy as part of an emotional intelligence curriculum, and building empathy is done both by putting myself in someone's shoes and also by allowing them an insight into how their behavior affects me. Sometimes others may treat me in ways that are completely unacceptable, and in those moments, it's reasonable to defend myself. In fact, some big learning can happen in those moments. We can't learn forgivenss on a personal level without being hurt, and so maybe empathy works in the same way. Moments of distance can teach us how to better see the world through someone else's eyes.

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Empathy. Why are we stuck in a world of dichotomy? Both should be taught. If he learns empathy he may never have to defend him/herself, but if she learns only self-defense everyone will look like an enemy. The full range of emotional intelligence must be taught, empathy alone is not enough. Nor does self-defense mean merely fighting. Read about the life of 'Abdul-Baha.

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Kids are very aware of themselves- how they are feeling- what has been done to them. They defend themselves instinctually. I've seen this over and over again. Sometimes they defend through tears. Sometimes through swinging their fist. I believe that as kids defend themselves and feel safe in the world, their self esteem grows. It is an essential first step. Teaching empathy is teaching higher level thinking. It takes this healthy self esteem and essential adult modeling for ego-centered kids to become empathetic of others. Moreover, it requires us, as adults, to walk the talk.

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Empathy is probably the most important thing to teach your child! Self defense wouldn't even be necessary if all humans practiced empathic treatment of others. I always told my children that the most important characteristic in them is kindness. That is right, that is Godly, that is non-negotiable. It is better to BE hurt than to hurt.

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Empathy. It only takes one to stop the war.

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I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. Becoming empathic doesn't mean one cannot defend oneself when necessary. A parent's world view will influence what they choose to emphasize in teaching their children. The smaller a person's perspective the more he feels the need to struggle against others. I tried to teach my children a more expanded view of the world.

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Empathy. Care for people, learn to love, and see the beauty in the world. @loripollard I agree with your post, as well.

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Empathy, by far. there's nothing like seeing things from a diferent pair of eyes. Is enough defense.

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Yeah, why can't it be both? That's what martial arts are all about... disciplining yourself and learning compassion but being secure in your abilities if you're forced into confrontation. It's a lot easier to be strong and empathetic (without cowering) if you know you'll be safe no matter what happens.

SoulPancake

Johnny

Would you rather teach your child empathy or how to defend him/herself?

Kymyhani

dbestseller

you can not teach empathy. you must learn to be empathatic and you learn through your life and the choices you make. self defense on the other hand can be taught but what good does it do if you have empathy when empathy is the opposite of self defense which is violence reciprocated?

SamuraiTsumo

eiights

i'm on someone else's acct. sorry this isn't a response from the real Eiights

eiights

sarahleslee

santinj

Both. With a dollop of good sense to know when to employ either.

bandarra

barrymjones

Russell

When empathy overcomes the need for self-defence, the latter won't be necessary.

deboraheaton

Without a doubt, I would teach my children empathy. One needs to know that it is ok to feel for others. From there all questions are answered.

whitlsr

dnhuff

icanfly

lquisp

BlondeStranger

Empathy. It only takes one to stop the war.

Still

MeggyRo

Empathy. Care for people, learn to love, and see the beauty in the world. @loripollard I agree with your post, as well.

Kajlito

Empathy, by far. there's nothing like seeing things from a diferent pair of eyes. Is enough defense.

krillinhazuki

Would you rather teach your child empathy or how to defend him/herself?

you can not teach empathy. you must learn to be empathatic and you learn through your life and the choices you make. self defense on the other hand can be taught but what good does it do if you have empathy when empathy is the opposite of self defense which is violence reciprocated?

i'm on someone else's acct. sorry this isn't a response from the real Eiights

Both. With a dollop of good sense to know when to employ either.

When empathy overcomes the need for self-defence, the latter won't be necessary.

Without a doubt, I would teach my children empathy. One needs to know that it is ok to feel for others. From there all questions are answered.

Empathy. It only takes one to stop the war.

Empathy. Care for people, learn to love, and see the beauty in the world. @loripollard I agree with your post, as well.

Empathy, by far. there's nothing like seeing things from a diferent pair of eyes. Is enough defense.

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