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It sounds like the honeymoon is over. Perhaps simultaneously for both of you?
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It sounds like the honeymoon is over. Perhaps simultaneously for both of you?
Couples do get past this and go on to long happy lives together.
Perhaps part of it is realizing that they are not yours to control just as you are not theirs. You are two different people, and friction is going to happen. Especially once the rose-coloured glasses are taken off. (You know: the ones with the patented full-body teflon coating so everything slides off)
Perhaps now the focus needs to be on allowing them to be who they are instead of trying to change who they are back into the image your rosy glasses enforced upon them? They were really and truly like this all along. You just weren't seeing it.
Still, something was strong enough to overpower all these negatives. Look for it.
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For a man to constantly point out that I am not good enough for him makes me want to free up the space between us, so that he can fill it with someone else that meets his needs more --- and I can move on to a more healthy relationship.
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I'm in a pretty healthy relationship, and for the most part my wife doesn't criticize me, although she may occasionally "suggest" things I may do differently. I don't take it personally generally, because it's usually valid. Sometimes I screw up and she's mad and then things may become less pleasant, and I feel crappy about it but thankfully, that doesn't happen much. I feel like things have leveled out for us. The first few years we were together were like a roller coaster ride, and then about 7 years into our marriage it got pretty wacky, but we figured out what had us stuck and worked at it, and moved past it. We are both dedicated to working things out and sticking with it, so we're constantly trying to upgrade our skills and so on.
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I'm in a pretty healthy relationship, and for the most part my wife doesn't criticize me, although she may occasionally "suggest" things I may do differently. I don't take it personally generally, because it's usually valid. Sometimes I screw up and she's mad and then things may become less pleasant, and I feel crappy about it but thankfully, that doesn't happen much. I feel like things have leveled out for us. The first few years we were together were like a roller coaster ride, and then about 7 years into our marriage it got pretty wacky, but we figured out what had us stuck and worked at it, and moved past it. We are both dedicated to working things out and sticking with it, so we're constantly trying to upgrade our skills and so on.
If you are really having trouble, you should see a couple's therapist. Heck, even if you're NOT, it can't hurt.
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Okay: You have equal criticisms of him, but do not vocalize them. With his criticisms, you are apparently not answering them. That is the root of a toxic relationship.
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Okay: You have equal criticisms of him, but do not vocalize them. With his criticisms, you are apparently not answering them. That is the root of a toxic relationship.
Three main things:
1. Start to talk to him on his criticisms, explain your perspective, so they understand and do not remain critical. Nicely.
2. Start to nicely explain your criticisms. Otherwise, your pent up anger will become hatred, and will come out massively in passive aggressive ways. Plausibly deniable, but absolutely destructive to relationships. Plausible deniability works great when you work for the CIA and are trying to create an Oswald, works really horrible for relationships.
3. Remain calm.
The other choice is to sever the relationship, realize it is toxic and for whatever reason you can not address their criticisms and they can not address your criticisms.
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Talk to him. Tell him how you feel about his comments to you. Make a pact with him to find a more productive way to communicate negative potentially hurtful information to each other. If you truly love each other find a way to talk to each other. In any loving relationship open communication is ALWAYS key.
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There was a quote that put it all into perspective for me.
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There was a quote that put it all into perspective for me.
"When a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his charming manners, that won her heart." - Helen Rowland
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Have you heard of John Gottman? He's a researcher at the University of Washington and has studied relationships for a long time. After 10-15 minutes of conversation with a couple, he can predict with 90% accuracy if they will get a divorce within 5 years. I'd highly recommend reading his book called the 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work. The point to focus on would be what he calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" -- the four facets of relationships that, if they show up with consistency, usually spell doom for that relationship:
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Have you heard of John Gottman? He's a researcher at the University of Washington and has studied relationships for a long time. After 10-15 minutes of conversation with a couple, he can predict with 90% accuracy if they will get a divorce within 5 years. I'd highly recommend reading his book called the 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work. The point to focus on would be what he calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" -- the four facets of relationships that, if they show up with consistency, usually spell doom for that relationship:
1) Criticism
2) Defensiveness
3) Contempt
4) Stonewalling
Though you didn't write much above, there are at least 3 of the 4 Hosemen present in what you wrote:
Criticism -- you said directly "there are so many things about him I can criticize"
Defensiveness -- "I love him but...."
Contempt -- "I'm starting to resent this person..."
This is a good summary I found which goes through those points and what Gottman points out are the remedies: http://www.azgrowth.com/4Horsemen.pdf
I can't suggest highly enough that you read his book and work through it with your significant other.
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