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All of these are merely ideas: try whatever might "fit" for you and just forget the rest.
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All of these are merely ideas: try whatever might "fit" for you and just forget the rest.
Get into counseling if you can afford it. It is a confidential and private place to be fully honest and explore your feelings. And it is one hour a week that you can make all about you. You need that extra attention as you deal with this.
Exercise - it keeps you balanced and burns off extra angsty energy.
Cry, shout, scream, do what ever you need to do to blow off steam but do it out of ear shot of your mom. Don't sensor yourself. Stuffing it down isn't good for you or your family. Give yourself permission to feel all your feelings even the less "noble" or "compassionate" ones, like frustration, guilt, anger, and resentment. All of what you feel is valid and instructive. By instructive, I mean that you usually need the important information the negative emotions are trying to give you about how you need to proceed or to care for yourself so you can "stay in the game" for your mom. You don't have to be the good girl all the time. You go ahead and be human and experience and own all your feelings. But don't hang on to them. Feel them as they come up. Acknowledge and name them. And, -when you are ready- let them flow past you. This may take some practice but counseling can also help with that.
Find the funny. When I was a hospice social worker one of the things that helped a lot was humor. Some situations are decidedly NOT funny, but some really are, if you have buoyancy of spirit to notice it in a situation.
Example: I remember when my mom went to see my dad after his aneurism surgery, he was intubated and looked exhausted. He could'nt talk because of the tube, but he could move his eyes. My mom was devastated and tearful. She leaned over the (too high) bed rail to give my Dad a kiss, butt perched high in the air, toes nearly off the ground, she let out a rip snortin' fart that could be heard at the nurse's station. I burst out laughing and my dad, unable to speak, just turned his head towards my mom and exaggeratedly rolled his eyes, which made us all crack up even more. "See Dad," I said, "Mom wants you to feel right at home. Go ahead and relax, she certainly did!" We talked about that moment for years afterward. That one laugh changed the whole tenor of the rest of his grueling hospital stay. Lighten the mood where you can.
Don't drive her nuts asking for minute by minute updates on how she's doing...it might be driving her crazy to have keep focusing on that and repeating the details to all who ask her. Take her mind off her own situation by sharing something else together: do a crossword with her, tell her all about your day, watch a funny movie with her, read her the newspaper, or read a book together, a chapter at a time.
On the other hand. Just listen. Let her ramble. Remember, it's the listening that counts. You don't necessarily have to do anything but really listen to her. Sometimes we just want to be heard and understood, knowing there's not a desirable "solution" to our problem. We just want to know that we are not alone.
Keep a journal. Or keep a coffee date with a trusted friend that will give you non-judgmental support and let you vent as you need to.
Consider joining a support group of family members with similar issues. No one understands quite as well as someone who's been there or is going through it right now, too.
You are a great daughter. Take care of yourself. Put your oxygen mask on first. <3
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I am sorry for your mom's illness. and I am sure this is very stressful for you.
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I am sorry for your mom's illness. and I am sure this is very stressful for you.
look around and see if there is a support group in your community. it doesn't have to be specific, it could be a grief support group, or, if you are religious, a church group. some place where you can get the emotional support you need. even a good friend. or a counselor. a burden shared is a lot lighter.
and, above all, take some time for yourself.
and, even so, I recommend a professional counselor. to help you work through that feeling of helplessness.
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A late add-on to my reply: stuck up-front here because it's something I could have benefited greatly from: find a support-group of other children who have too early, become their parent's care-giver because of illness. Find people to associate and connect with that are walking through the same. There are probably more of them out there than most realize.
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A late add-on to my reply: stuck up-front here because it's something I could have benefited greatly from: find a support-group of other children who have too early, become their parent's care-giver because of illness. Find people to associate and connect with that are walking through the same. There are probably more of them out there than most realize.
Now back, to our regularly scheduled program!
It's VERY hard to see while you're in the middle of it, but this path has great potential to imbue you with greater personal strength plus a deeper understanding and compassion for others (provided you don't fall into the self-defensive pit of "detachment").
Yea I know . . . not of much help now. Sorry 'bout that: no fast-food fixes here :( More of an assertion to simply "hold on"; and perhaps see this as an "opportunity" that few people get and fewer still manage to make anything good out of.
(Yea, I know . . . and "opportunity" that you could do well without. But it's here. It's someone you love. And it's not going away save by an outcome that will cause you great pain. So walk through it the best you can, always mindful of ways time will turn it into gold. The paths of greatest hardship are the only place where the greatest of life's wisdoms can be found.)
I watched my mother cope with the pain of a terminal illness all throughout my formative years and beyond until it finally took her when I was an older teen.
Your mom's pain management is between her and her doctor. That's not to say you cannot have input in it, especially if she is not fully divulging to her doctor just how much pain she is in. **AND** know when it's time to stop trying to take care of her yourself and put here somewhere they can better care for her.
Your pain management (emotional) is up to you. And for me that meant being sad for her but trying not to let her see it. (Quite a feat for a child). It meant learning to become at an early age, more attentive to the plights of others and to put my personal "plights" in a broader perspective. (Which often meant realizing that whatever "great catastrophe" I was facing at school or in my social life, really wasn't that bad by comparison).
And there were times when I simply could not be around her because of our combined pain. (Again, difficult for a child who is also called upon too early to be a care-giver). It was a very early inauguration into the idea that things happen that despite hoping and praying otherwise, you just cannot fix or change.
For me the best coping mechanism meant holding on and trying VERY hard not to react too defensively by becoming cold, detached, uncaring. And then only the fullness of time was able to turn all that heartache into a heart that is sensitive to the suffering of others; can still ache for others without being overwhelmed.
Which means I can "hang on" and support friends through difficult, painful times in their life long after many others become overwhelmed and go into self-preservation mode. Add to this an ability to walk through trials with the mindset of "Well, it's probably not as bad as all that! I've seen people endure and even triumph through worse!"
Try to tell me that's not an awesomely beneficial outcome from being given such a path to walk with my mother!
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The best thing you could do for your mother is to share your life with her. Carry on with your own interests and talk to her about them and ask her advice. It is awful seeing someone you love deteriorate and MS is no picnic for anyone. Let her have her independence for as long as she can and when she is in remission encourage her to "catch up" with what she has missed. Are their any support groups in your area? All members of your family are effected. Research and learn as much as you can about this condition, this at least will help you understand what your mother is experiencing. Everything else I am thinking sounds so cliche - ish so I will just wish you well and be your lovely self.
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When my father was dying, the psychoanalyst told me "Do something for yourself. It will give you the strength to face the rest."
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I know it is late. But you need to ..at sometime respond to the ones that took the time to answer your question.
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Ouch. Tough call in so many ways - and something that few can truly understand if the reality of this illness is all you have ever known.
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Ouch. Tough call in so many ways - and something that few can truly understand if the reality of this illness is all you have ever known.
There is no magic "coping" here -
only the somewhat unhelpful knowledge that as far as the death aspect goes, - we all have that same terminal illness -
so its coping with the deterioration, the seeing your mother in pain, and knowing there is no "cure" that is the hard part.
marijuana tea is supposed to be one of the best natural medicines when it comes to MS pain...the rest is talking while you can - making sure your communications are open, real, harsh if needs be, and up to date - then the lovingness will shine through.
best of luck with that,
and my sympathies.
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Just be there for her and help in any way you can. It is all you can do.
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Just be there for her and help in any way you can. It is all you can do.
When my husband was dying, I had to compartmentalize things. I had a list -- keep him hydrated, keep him fed, keep him clean, keep him warm, keep him dry, and listen to him when he needed to talk. Just be there for him.
It is the same with your Mom. She has basic needs. Make sure her needs are met and be there for her.
In the end the end you will know you did your best for her.
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There are no real " coping techniques" My only advise it to try to keep close to her. My mother was dying of breast cancer. It want on for 6 years, All kinds of treatment.. All failed. She died at 52. And I felt I did not give her the support I should have, Just know all she really wants is to be there for you, Life can suck. I acted like it was not happening. Talk to her. For when she is gone .You will have lost the only person that has loved you unconditionally, Be strong for her. For she can has no control over the illness. Regret can last a life time. Don't let this happen to you.
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The only thing that I can think of, is do something that will keep your mind off of everything. When my bestfriend was dying, when I would leave the hospital I'd just...clean stuff. Shoes, clothes, kitchen, everything. During that whole time, every article of clothing I owned was ironed and creased and starched. I was just, desperate to not think about it.
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The only thing that I can think of, is do something that will keep your mind off of everything. When my bestfriend was dying, when I would leave the hospital I'd just...clean stuff. Shoes, clothes, kitchen, everything. During that whole time, every article of clothing I owned was ironed and creased and starched. I was just, desperate to not think about it.
But what really helped, what really truly helped was when I was sitting by his hospital bed, I just told him straight up how scared I was that he was gonna die. That was like...wooo, relief.
Sorry about your Mother, that's rough.
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