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Last night.
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Last night.
Okay, I have a sex joke. It's dirty, which are the only jokes I tell. You kiddies might want to leave the room. :P
A lady gets dumped by her boyfriend and decides to go to a bar and drown her sorrows.
A fellow sits next to her and says "I noticed that you look really sad. What's the matter?"
The lady replies, "I just got dumped by my boyfriend."
The man says, "Oh, what was the reason?"
The lady says, "He thinks I'm too kinky."
The man nods, and replies "That's weird, I just got dumped by my girlfriend for being too kinky."
They drink for awhile longer, and the lady turns to him and says "You know, I think we have a lot in common. Why don't we go to my place and see how it turns out?" He nods, and they leave the bar.
When they get to her house, she purrs, "I'm going to go change...make yourself comfortable."
A few minutes later, she emerges from her bedroom in full S&M regalia: Vinyl bodysuit, face mask, nipple clamps, six-inch heels, studded paddle, and all.
Then she notices he is putting on his coat and heading out the door.
She cries, "Wait a minute, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!"
He says, "I fucked your dog, I sh*t in your purse...I'm outta here!"
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@flashbanding ... hmmm.. you seem to actually have the MOST interest in this question.
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@TheEgoist so - you believe that "slampiece" (Vomit at the phrase) = friend with benefits..?
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@TheEgoist so - you believe that "slampiece" (Vomit at the phrase) = friend with benefits..?
then you are right -
you are not cut out for this having any female friends or relationships, ever, thing....
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Two and half weeks. I "broke up" with my slampiece because, long story short, im just not cut out for the whole friends with benefits thing.
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"It's the way you read them..."
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"It's the way you read them..."
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now,the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."
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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
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The s****t and the masochist meet in a disreputable bar...
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The s****t and the masochist meet in a disreputable bar...
they are immediately drawn to each other and decide to go to a nearby rather expensive motel.
they undress and re-dress in clothes of their preference
the masochist says in a luxuriating slow purrr...
"Are ....you.. going to whip.. me...?
To which the s****t smiles cruelly and says,
"....Noooo."
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A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
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A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of 12 year old malt whisky and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"
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spot the age theme yet?
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spot the age theme yet?
An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago",
to which the man replies
"Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."
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Wally's Wedding Night
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Wally's Wedding Night
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action...
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more frantic coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'
And, once again they enjoy each other in the way only two people in the first flush of lust can... But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: 'You mean I've been here already?'
(Senior Moments can have their advantages).
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OK - let's turn this into the sex joke thread
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OK - let's turn this into the sex joke thread
(seeing as the question is hardly serious)
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'
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I am always intrigued as to what prompts people to ask this ...
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