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shabnam

- 9 months ago

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Risk Factor

Apparently, I am an idiot. Or so say my friends and family, who have, for nearly two years, tried to convince me that my best friend of the past 12 years is the person I'm meant to spend my life with. They just don't understand the nuances of our friendship, the unspoken things that have kept us from crossing that line. Not to mention the fact that losing him would be akin to having my skin singed off in a blazing fire.

The trouble is that in the past six months, all this talk has wedged its way into my gut, and every time I hear his voice, these thoughts tug at me, urging me to say something. And yesterday, I did. I told him that maybe we are wrong; that maybe everyone else is right to push us together; that maybe we should find out. In that little space in my heart that I had not sealed off, for the first time, I allowed myself to consider something … more. I don't know how he will ultimately respond. But I guess that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Describe a time when you had to make a choice, and risked losing something you love.

source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/24991898@N02/5885811648/

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Having sex with the guy I love even though I knew he didn't love me. I was at risk of losing my virginity, which I loved because it made me feel innocent. And possibly my mental state, which at the time was carefree and happy. Also him, I mean I knew that there was a possibility he'd never speak to me again once he got my "golden ticket" lol.
I did it anyways. It made sense. I loved him. I'd spent three years dreaming of being that intimate with him. I was horny and had the option. What Would Darwin Do? And ultimately, no red flags were going off in my mind saying "this is a bad idea!"
So we did it and I lost my virginity, my mental state, and him. Not to mention my confidence.
I'm young and stupid. What can I say? I don't totally regret it. At least I took a chance for once.

Describe a time when you had to make a choice, and risked losing something you love.

I love food, dreaming about, cooking and eating it. I love the inventiveness of practicing the art of creating a dish. Or studying a particular ingredient and seeing all the ways it can be transformed from just bodily fuel in to a social and sensual experience. I love recipe books - easy non-controversial bed time reading. I love Good Eats - it's blend of history, culture, chemistry and culinary mysteries, illuminated. I thought Alton Brown made the art of cooking a layered experience. I love the food channel. I love the smell of baking bread, frying garlic, roasting turkey, the rarified "company's coming" aroma of a old fashioned coffee urn percolator. The lettering on birthday cakes. Candied roses. Citrus peel curls. The decorating of holiday cookies - both feast of making, viewing and tasting ART. I love both the simple and complex recipe, the history of a food stuff or ingredient. I savor Anthony Bordain's No Reservations forays into places I know I'll never set foot in my lifetime. I love the way food tells a story. I love a group of friends or family sitting around a big table boisterously feasting on the company and the dishes filled with tradition, meaning, or just pure pleasurable decadence. I was raised on the image of a woman of valor and value being someone who could make a feast in a hurry without fuss from simple ingredients and satisfy her diners, on a moment's notice. The mastery, the skill of the grandmotherly cook who's been getting meals on the table as easily as breathing or walking, naturally, like it is second nature.

I have developed type 2 diabetes and it is advancing. I risk getting sicker if I don't lose weight. I am considering a gastric surgery because of the dramatic reversal of diabetes that has been found in patients who have done these procedures. But I know the surgery is not a "magic bullet" - it is a tool - just one (albeit dramatic) in array of changes that I would need to make - permanently- in order to be disease free, or I should say well managed. I think this means giving up my ardent love affair with food. It means eating for fuel and maximum nutrition and not anything else. My dinners will be markedly different from the rest of my family's each night. Thanksgiving will never be a feast followed by a nap again. I won't be going on any cruises to enjoy the posh and exotic three meals a day and deck side chips and salsa. I can't eat the gingerbread I bake for others at the holidays. "Comfort food" as most people know it would be a memory for me.

The guilt comes from knowing that while I am struggling to re-position the value and importance food has in my life, others on this planet don't have enough to eat on a daily basis. It feels strange to worry about being hungry, when in truth, I've never really been starving at any point in my life. I know there is a difference between the harmless sensation of hunger and true starvation intellectually, but emotionally I'm not sure I know the difference.

I would not be giving up food, or the act of eating. I would simply be losing my freedom to do whatever I chose to at each meal. Giving up that choice seems to scare the hell out of me more than diabetes does. It seems irrational. But there it is. Will I have to give up my freedom of choice and my love of food in order to preserve my health? Or do I risk my losing my health so I can stay apart of the (sometimes) gluttonous, over fed, verging on crazed addiction eating culture that I have been brought up in?

I'm in the process of evaluating all my choices/options before I go ahead with surgery. So far the path is not clear for me. But I remain open and continue to research both my relationship with food and my need for an effective response to diabetes's threat to my body's stability.

I made the smart choice of joining the Army a few months back, and the risk of losing my girlfriend of 4 years. And, sadly, I did lose her, but time heals all, right?

I had a best friend of 17 years (yeah, a really long time) just last year told me how he really felt about me. All my life there was always the on going joke of us getting married and being together, but it was always brushed off and never taken seriously, so naturally I never took it seriously. Apparently, it wasn't a joke at all. I had sometimes thought about how life would be if we were together, but never did anything about it, and neither did he. It was only until my second year of college he confronted me about it, and since he still goes to college at home, and I go to an out of state school, nothing could happen, even if I wanted it to. I didn't know how to feel, but I was just happy that we stayed good friends after that. It was only until last year that things went down hill and he told me he needed to get over me since he has been in love with me forever, that the only solution was to not talk to me and cut me out of his life. I guess in his case he was the one taking the huge risk, but so was I, but for different reasons. It was then when we had stopped talking how much I truly missed him in my life. He is my other half. But I had to respect his decision and give him what he wants, which wasn't me. I had thought about going to him saying how I had changed my mind and wanted to be with him, even if it was long distance, but I just wasn't sure. And I guess since I wasn't that sure, I wasn't going to risk anymore. I still miss him a lot, and it sucks that it will never be the same again. A friendship of so long gone down the drain. But I can't help but wonder, what if we had been upfront with each other earlier? Maybe things would have changed. But I guess we'll never know?

Through high school and most of college I had a best friend. One of those "once in a lifetime" friends. We were sisters minus our biological make-up. Well, junior year of college, I defended this guy I was dating who was actually dragging me down and turning me into someone I wasn't. Choosing him and our dysfunctional relationship over our lifetime connection led to a complete loss in a "sister". Sometimes I wonder if I would have made a different choice, how things would be now.

I dated two guys who both had high ideals about love and romance, and yet were so impractical in life. For 2.5 years the first time, and 6 months the second time, all the romance and love was enough, and actually more than I had hoped for. Being loved feels great. Finally though, money issues, difference of opinion on what kind of debt is acceptable to live with, issues of health choices, and issues of responsibility became too much for romance to cover up, and I broke up with them both, very suddenly both times. It hit me all at once that the issues were matters of who we were deep down, and I don't make it my business to change people, so I left them, and they were both very angry with me, saying I betrayed our love, and that was really hard to hear from people I loved who were also my best friends at the time.

Breaking up with them broke my heart, and I felt responsible for their feelings for a long time after that, but I stuck to my guns. Love is wonderful, but both parties need to be in agreement about financial priorities and life priorities for love to work. I have that now, and I know I made the right choice, even though I was pretty sure I ruined two great friendships. My first boyfriend and I remain great friends, though it took some time. The other guy is happily dating someone else who shares his views on more things than I did.

There's no such thing as a guy who just wants to be friends. There's just guys willing to stick it out and try harder. Go for it.

I was on the other end of a situation similar to yours, Shab. From the beginning, my best friend K made it clear to me that he had feelings for me. While he knew I did not return his feelings there seemed to always be a little bit of hope in him that one day I would wake up and realize I was in love with him. I was seeing someone when I met him but a few months later that fell apart and K was there for me. He gave me some time but eventually asked me on a date. I really cherished his friendship so I wanted anything but for us to drift apart due to my romantic disinterest in him. When I turned him down though, we remained friends and have become much closer due to the mutual lack of romantic tension. I love him dearly and am very glad we can still be friends. It's funny though, since we've become closer as platonic friends more and more people are convinced that we're dating. Some people I honestly can't shake of this belief, which K and I have found almost hilarious.
Now that I think of it, there is also someone in my life with whom the timing has never been quite right. I've even described him as, "the guy I would be dating if we could ever be in the same place at the same time". Recently I widened our geographical gap even more by moving across the country. While I am excited about the move and he has been a great support through the whole process, I feel like this might be too far and that we might miss our chance.
I've risked a friendship by saying no to a date and a romantic future by saying yes to a move. One choice turned out well; time will tell for choice number two.

A few years ago I had a crush on this guy who I had been friends with for 3 years. It's hard for me to find guys I can be really open to. Idk why, it's just always been hard. But this particular guy I could always trust. We'd hang out and we had such a great friendship going on. Needless to say, I fell for him. I was so scared at how me telling him would affect our friendship, but it was a risk I had to take. I did the corniest thing I could do, write a letter. I just didn't have the guts to tell him in person. Eventually he wrote me back and told me that he didn't feel the same way about me, but that he valued my friendship too much and didn't want things to get awkward between us. We remained good friends after that, but I ended up moving and we kind of lost touch after that. A few years later I came across a mutual fried online and we decided to meet up at a restaurant and catch up on a few things. That night we were talking about old friends and I told her about the note I had written to this guy and what his response was. She later told me that he ended up coming out and said he was gay! I never expected it. At first I thought she was joking, but later I found his myspace page and saw proof with my own eyes. I wish he would've told me then. Idk if he thought he couldn't trust me, or if he was shy or embarassed. The thing is, I always thought that while we were friends we could tell each other everything. In a way we did. Except her never told me that ONE detail.

I had a very similar experience as well. Although in my case, not only did I think we should be together, I was madly in love with her. I'll never forget it, one day we went to an aquarium and had this extremely amazing day. At the end of it, I asked her out in the most unromantic, uncool, and uncalm way anyone has ever asked anyone out. It was that way because I Wanted to be with her, but I was terrified she would be like "oh what the hell?" and then not talk to me again.

Team SP

Ooh, I had a similar experience. About 2 years ago I sat in a restaurant with a friend upon whom I had developed a crush. We made some small talk and then I blurted it out, “So you know I had a crush on you.” His answer? Silence. After an eternity of nothingness, I chattered nonsensically. What we talked about next, I don’t remember. He changed the subject. I was too stunned and embarrassed to bring it back to the topic. I resisted to the urge to run out of the restaurant.

He gave me an awkward hug and kiss on the cheek as we parted ways on the street. But I was perturbed. At the least he could have responded, “Um, sorry. I don’t feel that way about you.”

Dinner that night with a guy friend calmed my frayed ego. S played out the various plausible scenarios. Shy, timing was off, didn’t care for me romantically, and didn’t want to hurt my feelings by saying the wrong thing. S encouraged me to decide if it was okay if it was just a friendship. I had to sleep on it.

The next day I woke up a bit more calm. But I did clear the air. He apologized for his silence, so I let it go. He was above-board in all our dealings. And to this day we remain even better friends.

When we were kids my younger brother and I would go crabing in the Gulf of Mexico neer a rock pier. We used lines with bait on the end and when a crab started eating it we scooped it up in a net. I caughe the biggest crab I have ever seen but the bait stuck under a rock and I couldn't coax the crab out. I asked my brother to get in the water with the net and I would pull hard on the bait. Too this day he thinks I was trying to kill him and he brings it up regularly. I didn't think it was a risk but he did so I guess I am guilty. Often however, I have the thought that maby I should have shoved him in.

Not recently. Looking back it always seems like a mistake not to though and I regret it. But I'm still opimistic for the futrue!
Those who Dare, Win.

Honestly, I'm not much of a risk taker. It's a good/bad thing.

Team SP

Shab- it sounds like you needed to take this risk. I applaud you and I'm excited to see where it will lead you. I recently took a risk. I wrote a very open piece on my blog. It was written out of honesty, not out of malice. I mentioned my exboyfriend, a person who is so incredibly special to me. There was one line about him, about how a river came between us. (Literally, a river. In Idaho.)

http://www.thewildercoast.com/2011/08/trust-and-devotion.html

He read it, and became so infuriated he cancelled our upcoming trip together. Chances are, I'll never see him again. I took a risk for my writing, and I lost him. Truth is, I probably should have lost him a long time ago.

"Apparently, I am an idiot."...

Me too! I know I've done my share of harm, just as I take my share pain. Living and learning.

(IMO); Nothing is riskier than not risking anything.

I did take that risk, lost something I thought I loved, but gained something I didn't know I wanted.

I didn't love the guy, but it was the last time I put myself "out there". He was the CFO for a small hospital, of about 160 beds, and I was a department head. He was an attractive older guy and really sharp in many ways. He was always flirting, not overtly, but subtle cues and literal bumps. One day I walked into his office and did it. "I am attracted to you." OMG you would have thought I had stolen money from his bank account!

He just gaped at me. I felt myself shrinking and wanted to disappear. I stood and said, "Just wanted to put that out there." I left and then locked myself in my office the rest of the day, sneaking out early to avoid him.

The next day an attractive blond was at lunch with him and every event from then on. I was humiliated and embarrassed, but I hadn't initiated the flirting, he had. That was the last time I outed my feelings casually, I guess you could say. Heck, I was 40 years old and said, "Why not?" It didn't work out, but I was over the whole thing in a few months.

I'd rather not cause it's intimate and personal.

However to reply to your question, yes I have, yes I will.

If you love something, or someone, the way I see it, you don't own it or him or her.

So what are you losing if you lose something you love?

In the case of "someone", you're losing his or her care for you, his or her love for you, or at least, being able to receive that, amongst other things, but I think that's what's the most important.

Is that something you own? Is it "yours"? Is even yours to lose in the first place?

You have a friendship, and by "taking it to the next level", you risk losing that friendship.

What would you miss if you lost that friendship? And what makes you think that what you would miss is yours to lose in the first place?

Maybe that's a good question to wonder about.

Team SP

@shabnam San Francisco

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Risk Factor

Describe a time when you had to make a choice, and risked losing something you love.

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I made the smart choice of joining the Army a few months back, and the risk of losing my girlfriend of 4 years. And, sadly, I did lose her, but time heals all, right?

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There's no such thing as a guy who just wants to be friends. There's just guys willing to stick it out and try harder. Go for it.

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Not recently. Looking back it always seems like a mistake not to though and I regret it. But I'm still opimistic for the futrue!
Those who Dare, Win.

TheSlyJester

Honestly, I'm not much of a risk taker. It's a good/bad thing.

MelinaCoogan

Topexx

"Apparently, I am an idiot."...

Me too! I know I've done my share of harm, just as I take my share pain. Living and learning.

(IMO); Nothing is riskier than not risking anything.

JasFaulkner

I did take that risk, lost something I thought I loved, but gained something I didn't know I wanted.

RosieFullyRiveted

Inzababa

Risk Factor

Describe a time when you had to make a choice, and risked losing something you love.

I made the smart choice of joining the Army a few months back, and the risk of losing my girlfriend of 4 years. And, sadly, I did lose her, but time heals all, right?

There's no such thing as a guy who just wants to be friends. There's just guys willing to stick it out and try harder. Go for it.

Not recently. Looking back it always seems like a mistake not to though and I regret it. But I'm still opimistic for the futrue! Those who Dare, Win.

Honestly, I'm not much of a risk taker. It's a good/bad thing.

"Apparently, I am an idiot."...Me too! I know I've done my share of harm, just as I take my share pain. Living and learning.(IMO); Nothing is riskier than not risking anything.

I did take that risk, lost something I thought I loved, but gained something I didn't know I wanted.

What's Next?

Not recently. Looking back it always seems like a mistake not to though and I regret it. But I'm still opimistic for the futrue!
Those who Dare, Win.

"Apparently, I am an idiot."...

Me too! I know I've done my share of harm, just as I take my share pain. Living and learning.

(IMO); Nothing is riskier than not risking anything.