SoulPancake / Conversations / Should trust be earned or given?

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earned

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Earned, surely. But I'm also not sure anyone can ever wholly trust another person.

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given.

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I think it needs to be earned, and i feel like fully trusting someone is risky.

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Team SP

"The one that's the least trustworthy needs the most trust."

"The ones that's the most trustworthy needs the least trust."

I LIVE by this complex rule. It's a matter of trust should be GIVEN to the person who least EARNED it. The person who earned it really doesn't need trust, they already know what it is and probably already receive it from a majority of people. The one who no one trusts though needs to be given the most trust so that they have the chance to learn what true trust is.

It comparable to leaving the herd to look for the lost sheep.

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Conditional trust is given, real/formal trust is earned.

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As for me, I believe that trust should be freely given but the recipient of that trust must earn the right to have it maintained. It can ebb and flow, but eventually it can disappear. That would be the case between two people.

If trust can no longer be given, then it follows that it would be very difficult to freely give trust to the next person in a new situation. The balance between being trusting and being cautious gets tilted over time, I think.

I like @dancingplatypus ' answer. I believe those are excellent examples. You see, I've read his responses long enough to trust that no matter what the topic, he will present views that have been well thought out after looking at the evidence. And he's maintained that trust by not letting me down.

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I like all the answers- and after all- we arent naive 5 year olds anymore. There is a point to growing up.
But there are also different levels of trust. Would I trust someone to water my plants or take good care of my doggie while I am away for a day? Or would I trust someone with my life? HUGE question to ask yourself: Is there a conflict of interest?
I have read once the following saying: never trust someone concerning their passion.
But a lot of trust towards others is actually trust in ourselves in disguise. Do I trust myself to be able to judge this situation correctly? What Griz has to say is born out of a certain amount of detachment. When we have this healthy detachment, and we dont have to trust someone with our "all"- it is a type of autonomy- then things just look very different from that vantage point- and we can let people be human without being harmed, because we just arent SO needy. It`s like the difference of looking at the world with the eyes of a child or of an adult, because we can take good care of ourselves - protect ourselves, and we are autonomous as adults. There is a lot to be said for that. Independence and the detachment that comes from that is what keeps our vision clear too. It helps us to see the person before us angst-free, and with that we can see their pros and cons. This leads to sane decisions- also about trust.

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I agree with Alvah re levels of trust in various situations.
If the discussion is
basic trust of a person to be a decent human being...
I seem to do that unconsciously.
Sometimes that trust is broken, and sometimes that hurts,
but more often than not I am rewarded with amazingly good friends.

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Another thought: you never know what someone is going to do with what you give them, until you give it to them! And even should they mishandle it once or twice or 70x7 times, it is a point of love to recognize a common point of humanity and cut them as much slack as you can afford to.
(And I find the more I cut, the more I am able to cut!)

I also remember the number of times I've mishandled trust given to me and how precious the people are who were willing to take another chance on me.

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I try to trust all people to be what they are -- human. And I am rarely disappointed.
What takes the time is seeing that they are striving for the higher path rather than settling for the lower path. And they have the right to fall from the higher path or to jump up from the lower path at any moment.

As for it being "earned" -- that makes it sound too much like they are my "employee" earning "the wage" of trust from me. I find it an overly self-noble and aggrandizing pov. They are simply journeying, like me. And I would allow them all that I hope others would allow me -- to try, to fail, to try again, to succeed.

And while there are those who seem to stuck in a lifestyle of un-trustworthiness, I'm always prepared for them to make a break from it -- or to remain there if that is their wish. They have my permission to be who they choose to be -- with the caveat that it will naturally affect the level of relationship possible with them.
My challenge, is to always be ready to re-assess the level of relationship possible with them and not get stuck in a "leopards never change their spots" mindset.

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Team SP

I once heard that the definition of trust is the ability to predict someone's actions. Given that definition, there's a big relationship with how well you know someone and how well you can predict what they are going to do.

So when you first meet someone, you can't possibly predict what they'll do to any huge degree, so I think you're spot on Golrizereeze.

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your proposal is based on solid research...
there's a very good and simple strategy for playing a pyramid tournament of "the prisoners dilemma..."

(look it up)

it is based on research on a colony of Gulls - where at various times, each individual bows its head to the other, in turn - so the other can peck off the ticks that hide above the beak - the one place they cannot get to themselves...

apparently, some rogue birds got a habit of bowing their head to get their ticks removed but not returning the favour - trust broken.

Over time these birds were refused when they tried this trick - and they ended up being the only group of gulls that had ticks...

This "first, - trust, if broken then withdraw it" is a very good basic principle for us I feel - and it is reflected in the saying (that Bush famously mangled so badly) -

fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me...

in the prisoners dilemma game tournament, played by research teams with various complex strategies - this simple formula was the winning one.

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Trust should be earned.
That doesn't mean you have to be suspicious of new acquaintances,
but I would not trust anyone on any important matter until that person demonstrated by
their behavior that they are trustworthy.

That's a two way street. I don't expect people to trust me until I have shown I am trustworthy.

There are levels of trust.

I would trust a stranger to give me correct directions if I were lost.
But I wouldn't trust a stranger with my child.

SoulPancake

golriz

Should trust be earned or given?

mamapeace

earned

UberBarrett

Earned, surely. But I'm also not sure anyone can ever wholly trust another person.

DanielPotashov

given.

Cubis_Max

I think it needs to be earned, and i feel like fully trusting someone is risky.

dancePROOF

northstop

Conditional trust is given, real/formal trust is earned.

PopeSkippyXVI

chantarella

SueHawk

I agree with Alvah re levels of trust in various situations.
If the discussion is
basic trust of a person to be a decent human being...
I seem to do that unconsciously.
Sometimes that trust is broken, and sometimes that hurts,
but more often than not I am rewarded with amazingly good friends.

Griz

Griz

CultLeaderPancake

flashbanding

Alvah

Should trust be earned or given?

earned

Earned, surely. But I'm also not sure anyone can ever wholly trust another person.

given.

I think it needs to be earned, and i feel like fully trusting someone is risky.

Conditional trust is given, real/formal trust is earned.

I agree with Alvah re levels of trust in various situations.If the discussion is basic trust of a person to be a decent human being...I seem to do that unconsciously.Sometimes that trust is broken, and sometimes that hurts,but more often than not I am rewarded with amazingly good friends.

What's Next?

I agree with Alvah re levels of trust in various situations.
If the discussion is
basic trust of a person to be a decent human being...
I seem to do that unconsciously.
Sometimes that trust is broken, and sometimes that hurts,
but more often than not I am rewarded with amazingly good friends.