SoulPancake / Conversations / I feel alone in a crowded room...

DeusExMachina

- 3 years ago

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I feel alone in a crowded room...

I need some help.. I am lonely, totally and completely lonely. I feel like I am suffocating from this loneliness even when I am surrounded by my loved ones. I am happily married, and adore my wife, I have 2 small children, who equally I adore, friends and a large family (although I did lose my father 12 years ago when I was at University). I need to shake this feeling to feel some self worth and start to enjoy my happiness. I have recently become friends with a woman at work. There is nothing explicitly flirtatious about our relationship, but I am finding myself becoming more and more reliant on her to give me some sense of worth. I am scared.. help?

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thanks for all the replies.. honestly reading all the comments has helped.. perspective is an amazing thing.. Truth is I am torn, I feel my loneliness is something I will always carry with me, and my inability to open up to my wife about this will only make the situation worse.. but how to discuss something I do not comprehend? it's tough.. I apologise, my story is too long to put here... but it is not as clear as it seems.. I have suffered from depression for many years, coming back from very close to the edge on more than one occasion. I self harm, when things get too much (hidden from everyone including my wife.. that is the first time I have ever said the words)..

Talk to your wife. Or write her a letter. Express yourself to her in detail. Stop the chatter with your "work friend". Know that she nor anyone else can give you a sense of worth. Begin a love affair with yourself. Seek professional advice. p.s. You are worthy.

Its okay to have friends who are the opposite sex, but like everyone else was saying, you don't want your wife to become upset that you are not confiding in her but in another woman. Also, i try not to recommend books to people because most people think no book can help their problems, but i reallly really think you should read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. Its an amazing book for men (and women can read it too, I did) about finding your passion, and finding your heart. The basic idea of the book is that all men have three things in life that they deeply desire: 1. a battle to fight 2. an adventure to live 3. and a beauty to rescue does this sound like you? is this something you would be interested in reading? do these three points sound familiar? if so, read this book, its a quick read. my favorite quote from the book is "adventure is written into the heart of a man" I feel like i'm quoting this book on this site a lot, but thats because its so true! I think it can really help you find your passion and to find an adventure. remember this quote (again from the book) "Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive, because what the world NEEDS is more people who have come alive" a woman doesn't want a "nice guy", a woman wants a man who has COME ALIVE

Medication. For your children if not for yourself see a psychiatrist.

Therapy

this may not be something that you or anyone else might agree with, but I'm hearing some mixed messages here, some that I recognize. Even though you feel that you have happiness, and by pretty much all standards you do, apparently the connection is not complete. I'm not sure exactly what piece of the connection is missing with your happiness, but mine was a very tiny one. The only way that I can describe it is that I never felt accepted, valued, appreciated, or good enough. It all boiled down that although I was never mistreated, nobody was ever glad to see me. When I've tried to address this, I've had my feelings discounted, discredited, or simply told I should be ashamed for feeling that way. The issue was always mine to deal with. And I soon became, well, used to the disconnect. I was particularly struck with sadness when my father was in the rest home that he would be damn near bubbly when anyone else entered the room, but he was never glad to see me. So, even though I believe the postings on this question are sincere and not at all misleading, sometimes you really can't talk it out because others are most likely feeling connected while you are not. Becoming more reliant on an outsider to complete your self-esteem (and I have no intention of getting all Jerry McGuire on you here) makes sense to me, mostly because I had not been able to find that final connection in any previous relationship and was always harboring hope that I might be able to with someone else. Nothing sexual or adulterous about it; I just wanted to stop being lonely. Now, I'm a member of a family that makes me much happier, and not intending to discount these people, I am much happier because going into to it my disappointment levels had been adjusted. In some cases, things are much much more complete than any I've had before. Sometimes, things are a bit business as usual, but since all external expectations are my own, I'm really much more comfortable not having to deal with the expectations of labels like "parent" "child" "spouse" etc. What to do? Seems to me that you have two choices. Acknowledge that the problem is indeed yours to deal with and well, lower your expectations and be grateful for what you already have--which is really quite a lot to be happy with. Or be prepared to be actually alone when you can't deal with the incompleteness. I am most secure wandering around Times Square where I'm surrounded by people with whom I'm not expected to have a connection. It gets harder when the crowd is more select.

I don't have the same life experiences as you do so I don't know first hand the stresses and pressures that come from having children, being in a marriage, or whatever else, but I too feel very lonely sometimes. Maybe you're like me, you don't like to talk about your feelings with your family and you just keep everything to yourself. I really don't have anyone to talk about. I want to blame depression, but really don't think I have it. As for the lady at your office, it's good if you have a friend that you can talk to since you don't live with this person, so maybe it's less pressure to talk to her than to talk with your wife. Just as long as it doesn't develop into an affair, you've just have to be REALLY aware of boundaries, and DON'T cross them. Sometimes if you pretend to be happy and talkative with people, it has a good chance of transcending into how you actually feel. You just have to be able to put yourself out there and if you really don't feel capable, then professional help seems to be the answer. But if you're like me then you don't want to seek professional help. If you say you're happily married then it must be true and you can happily talk to your wife and embrace your children without a problem. don't let loneliness take over if you've got nothing to truly feel lonely about.

You appear to be suffering from depression. Speak to a therapist, not a co-worker woman. Emotional affairs can be just as detrimental to a marriage as a physical affair. Your wife would feel betrayed to learn that you do not confide in her the difficulties you are experiencing. How can you describe yourself as "happily married" if you are feeling completely lonely with low self-esteem? You can't "enjoy my happiness" when indeed you are not truly happy. You need to get to the root of your unhappiness with a qualified professional.

Definitely don't hang out with some woman from work more than your wife. That's about all the advice I have for your situation, as I myself am not a particularly happy person myself lately.

if you do "adore" these people that are your very closest, around you all the time, family - what the F*** are you doing asking people on here what to do when you should be talking to them and loving them - in word and deed ? get in there! and stop adoring them from a distance like some objects in a museum...

seems like youre on the path to an extra-marital affair with talk like that. i advise against it. the purpose of marriage is to make unity out of two people, and that is my suggestion for you. rekindle your relationship with your wife (be it date nights, or whatever). Gary Chapman wrote a book called "The Five Love Languages" it's not exactly scientific studies or anything, but very insightful. your local library should have a copy.

SoulPancake

DeusExMachina

I feel alone in a crowded room...

DeusExMachina

curious1

Talk to your wife. Or write her a letter. Express yourself to her in detail. Stop the chatter with your "work friend". Know that she nor anyone else can give you a sense of worth. Begin a love affair with yourself. Seek professional advice. p.s. You are worthy.

Britta714

MundoEd17

Medication. For your children if not for yourself see a psychiatrist.

humanity60

Therapy

PopeSkippyXVI

Raacheel

Trixie

RyanLBailey

Definitely don't hang out with some woman from work more than your wife. That's about all the advice I have for your situation, as I myself am not a particularly happy person myself lately.

flashbanding

thenephite

I feel alone in a crowded room...

Talk to your wife. Or write her a letter. Express yourself to her in detail. Stop the chatter with your "work friend". Know that she nor anyone else can give you a sense of worth. Begin a love affair with yourself. Seek professional advice. p.s. You are worthy.

Medication. For your children if not for yourself see a psychiatrist.

Therapy

Definitely don't hang out with some woman from work more than your wife. That's about all the advice I have for your situation, as I myself am not a particularly happy person myself lately.

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