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nenamatahari

- 3 years ago

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Why is it so hard to escape from abusive relationships?

Being in an abusive relationship makes you feel like you're crazy. You start to believe that all the bad treatment you get is all your fault. Sometimes you don't even know when the abuse began. Was it always this way? Sometimes when you talk about your relationship with others and you tell them what your partner says to you, they look at you in horror and say "I can't believe he or she has said that to you!" Then you sit there thinking, "So he or she was the wrong one? I didn't deserve it?" Pretty soon you question your own judgment. You question your sanity. You wonder if everything in the relationship that goes wrong is your fault and you feel like a great big storm raged through your life and a huge tree has blocked your way and there's no escape. Or perhaps you know that you should leave, but the thought of heaving that big huge tree out of your path is so daunting, so you just slide down in despair and feel like it's a task that you can't do, and you have the sneaking suspicion that it's all your fault any way. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? How long was it into the relationship that you found out? How did you escape? How are you now about relationships? What made you finally make the decision to leave?

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I think everyone is here is right on. In the one relationship, there are two different relationships going on. The victim, living in this world where you are either trying to help this person or feel like you deserve this abuse. But that's all in your head. And then the abuser lives in this world thinking that it is ok to be abusive because that is how they teach you or they feel that is their job. But that is all in their head. And like everyone has said, it would take something drastic for this "relationship" to break appart. I would like to suggest something that could be drastic. If the abused were to sit down with the abuser and talk about their idea of the relationship (include, how he abuses you, how bad it makes you feel, and how stuck you feel in the relationship) and then ask him/her to describe how they see the relationship and explain why they do the things they do. That way it is not a secret anymore. The two of you are not living in two different worlds but in the same relationship. I think this would be an eye-opening experience for the victim and the abuser. Either the abuser would see the mistakes they have been making and the two could go on and try to mend things, or putting it all on the table would make the abuser angry (because this would make them accountable for their actions). In that case, I would assume it would be plain to see for the victim that this person does not really care for them. That you cannot help them as they will never change. Not if they feel like they are in the right. And if you are the type to think they you somehow deserve any kind of abuse, you are so wrong. No one deserves to feel unhappy. Listen, we all have our problems. No one lives perfectly. But the person in which you are in an unhealthy relationship with, is no one to help you. They are not going to sit you down and say "honey, when you roll your eyes at me, that really makes me feel like you don't respect me, and that hurts my feelings". So get it all out on the table and make them accountable for their actions. Think it'll work?

Right now I'm in a transitional period of being separated. However, being physical fit to carry out life big challenging moments can prolong a relationship. Don't injury yourself due to work stress, or there is a saying from older people: "When the mule breaks down, then there will be the purchase to get or buy a new one, at your own expense!" Being abused can be of two parts physical and mental. However, with those two they must involve one more to complete the marriage unity process and that is: SPIRITUAL!

When people have a hard time differentiating between the victim and the perpetrator, then it has happened before in their childhood. That is where the roots of the problem originated, because the confusion started then. What I am saying is that people who were raised as children with love and respect, love and respect themselves, and they might watch abusive behavior for a short while, but then they kick the abuser out because they know that nobody is allowed to treat them like this.

My year long relationship just ended. And if he hadn't broken up with me, I don't know if I would have had the strength to do it. I knew things were bad, I knew what had to happen. I knew that if I was so stressed out about making him mad that I couldn't eat or sleep, something was wrong. But I honestly don't know if I would have been able to end it myself.

You and your "partner" are working towards different objectives. The victim seriously believes that deep down, the relationship can be solved and that the other person would choose peace if you could just understand them. The abuser is not interested in equality, and needs to feel in control. When a victim invests this sort of time in the relationship, it becomes a problem to be solved. If it is reminiscent of some relationship earlier in life, then this time one can make amends and solve it correctly. We still treat the other person like a rational human being with rational values. Even when we suspect it is not the case, we are horrified and embarrassed to have been taken by a monster. As your energy is used up trying to reach equality, you begin to sacrifice for the little wins. The abuser sees he or she is gaining ground and advances to consume. You are being conditioned to give up ground, and eventually you become trapped. The only way out is a rock bottom trauma, or an intervention. Something big enough to shake you loose. Or friends brave enough to extricate you. Yeah... I've been there. It's as you describe it, and it happened twice. First time I pretended to go to work while finding a job several hundred miles away. Once I was obligated to the new job, I snuck out the window at 3am and escaped. The second time I was sent to jail... my wife at the time and her boyfriend had a plan in place to get rid of me for a few days while they emptied the house and bank accounts and so on. Even still I tried to make things work. But I was again, many miles away. The time and distance helped me come to my senses. I fixed the problem by dating... heavily... all the time. I made my own life incredible. I also made it a point to be very affectionate and very up front that there would be no relationship beyond what I agreed to offer. By reducing the importance of the need to stick it out in a relationship, I gained self confidence and began to notice trends in the gold diggers. I also noticed my desire to save people. By restricting myself to shallow relationships, I developed a large circle of ACTUAL friends. From these friends I finally found someone I could trust to have an equal relationship. It took some time. A long time. I barely recognize the old me.

I used to perceive my husband's ribbing as somewhat abusive, and I used to take it personally. I suffered from depression, so in my case, there was something "wrong" with me, I guess you could say. Once my depression got under control, I learned to react differently to the ribbing, basically with humor, and when needed, with firmness: "I do not deserve to be spoken to that way." He is a lot more respectful of me now. But if someone is mean and hurtful in their words to you, you have to stand up for yourself. If it gets physical, and/or your assertiveness doesn't work and he keeps up the verbal abuse, then please promise you will find the nearest support shelter and get out of there.

As i read this, I really thought about my last relationship that ended a few months ago... so, does it mean that that was abuse in some way even though he never touched me, never swore at me, and never truely yelled at me?? He was just shut out, cold, told me i cared too much about people, told me i was too emotional... made me question if something was wrong with me... Even now I blame me for not being more understanding about our differences. He treated me like garbage after we called it quits, all the while claiming he wanted to be my friend. When my grandpa was in the hospital, he basically told me to get over it cuz thats life. So, what have I learned? I will never understand some people (just like I look at the holocaust and wonder "How is this possible that people could do this??"). The image you have of someone in your mind, of who they are, can be so false. You really believe he is kind or good. He has moments when he shows that and you hold on to that as your proof even though countless times he shows you the opposite. A friend of mine wrote a poem: When love is just a smart person’s game When love is a nameless connection When love is a secret to keep a side When love is just another form of control When love is just another boredom call When love is gone out of the bedroom's door When love is a permission you wait for When love is once or twice a week When love is just actions but not words When love is a friend but not just a friend When love is just another person welling to listen When love is the missing designer collection When love is not true but love When love is just a contract waiting to expire When love is affectionless numb instrument When love is walls you can’t see thru When love is mood in your free time When love is a string to hold you back When love is a roommate in a relationship When love is a separate worlds in the same house When love is your way or my way When love is convenient today but not tomorrow When love is fun that you had while it lasted When love watches you walk a way & say nothing. By: Yorda

@nenamatahari

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