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mrfritz

- 1 year ago

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And the Oscar goes to...

The Oscars are finally upon us. Will it be Black Swan or The Fighter? Jeff Bridges or James Franco? Nicole Kidman or Natalie Portman? We love Hollywood, with all its glitz and glamour, but frankly, there are far more interesting people I would rather see up on that stage giving an acceptance speech. Like me. Or you.

So forget spending tonight updating your Twitter page. Congratulations! You have just won the shiny gold statue for, well, being alive dammit. So get up on that stage, and let's hear it.

Give us your best acceptance speech. Quick-write [poem it, prose it, just bust it out in under 500 words] your thankfulness for all the little people in your life.

I would like to thank Hall and Oates, first and foremost. Without their hit single back in 1985, there is a very good possibility my parents would not have had the libido to conceive me. I would like to thank my Poppy, who is no longer with us, for telling me to get a job the day I graduated college. I didn’t think people actually worked for a living before that. Oh, how can I forget my miserable third grade teacher Mrs. M.? Mrs. M. showed me exactly how I didn’t want to turn out when I was 48 years old. I would also like to thank the little Asian lady who works the cashier at my local Chinese eatery. I have no idea what her name is but she is always so freakin' happy and she never charges me for the extra egg roll. I would also like to thank the man or woman who created Internet pornography; my Friday and Saturday nights aren’t so lonely anymore because of you. And last but not least I would like to thank myself--for having the stomach to picture all of you naked. Good night. @mrfritz

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yes thank you Thank you there are so many people i want to thank but first off i just want to say-(monkey swoops down and takes my award) HEY!!! who let a monkey in here! hey he's going the window NOOOOOO!!!!!
MY OSCAR!!!

I'd like to thank all the people that spend their time wishing on the stars. It was nice that you weren't in the way. Peace. [Then I'd throw the mic, and a DJ would play dubstep as 14 girls escorted me off the stage in a synchronized dance around me.]

I'd like to thank my grandmother for baby-sitting my brothers so my parents could go out and create me. Um, my parents for buying comic books for me. Stan lee for creating some of my most beloved heroes. Oh, um, who else? Oh yes: Hellboy, R2D2, Harvey Keitel, and Martha Washington for all being big supporters. Thank you.

To all the trolls who said I could never do this, you were right, I rigged the votes. Oh well, too late to do anything about it now right?

Thank you for this award, recognition in how much of a man I have become.

In the time you have known me, you have seen me at my worst. Until recently, you have seen me at my best: searching, questioning, asking if the definition of manhood can be expressed in compassion and reason, not in violence and an immature mind.

In my journey, I thank you for not fighting my battles for me, but for being champions that fight by my side.

You have shined love and light into my life, illuminating my soul with color once shaded grey.

To all and to each, be safe, be happy, and don't let anyone make you afraid.

Thank you.

Usually, people like to thank people that helped them along the way. But I don't have to thank anybody. I did this whole damn thing by myself. So thanks, me.

Just kidding. I don't know what I'd say.

I thank Oscar for waiting for me.

When I was 18, I never thought I'd get to a place in my life when I would be the person i'd always wanted to be. Thanks very much to my beautiful family and friends, and to the people who gave me this award. It's a tremendous honor, but even if I didn't win this award, I know I'd be okay. Because I'm at that place, finally. And to everybody out there, 18 or otherwise, who questions themselves everyday and searches for themselves in other people, and wonders if they'll ever get there.... you'll get there. Trial and error, you'll get there. Thank you again.

thanks for my parents giving birth to me. without you guys, i wouldn't be here. i'd also like to thank everybody who i've triumphed (assuming this oscar is for life's merits). it's a tough world out there, and im not going down without a fight.

Wow, this is wonderful
First I'd like to thank Jesse James
for being the wind beneath my thing
My Wife-Kim Kardashian
for having the finest ash agin
And Sir Elton John-
for making me not look as pudgy
Everybody involved with this Project was just AMAZING to work with
Joel Weinstein / Harvey Levin and everybody at Creative Management-
and my kids at home - Lala & Poe
time to get to bed!

omyGosh!! thank you so much for everything..for believing in me..for never letting me down..thank you for always (sobbing) uhh..i love you, i promise to never let any of you down..thank you everyone..my momma..and God for never leaving my side..wooooh! oh and my husband J. for everything.(wink) :D thank you..it is really an honor..after party at my house..goin get CRAZY!!

This is wonderful and quite an honor. I won't bore the world with most of of my personal and religous "thank you's" - I will be sure to deliver those thanks to each person in private. Thank you to the Academy for this award and to my fellow nominees and other colleauges for inspiration and support of my craft.

OMG thank.......? wait this isn't my name on the on the card ..........

I got an OSCAR? where did I go wrong? How did I end up in this twisted popularity contest? No thanks. If if were given for merit, I would feel differently.

I'd like to thank all my haters.... hahaha im kidding
Getting this award, or to where I am now, was the hardest place for me to get. I had to take my fears by the neck, the simple fear of acting in front of more than 5 people, the fear of losing friends because of the time I'm willing to take all my time pursuing my vision of absolute whole. I can instead thank them for breaking up my fears and molding reward. I can thank my parents, for knowing exactly what you wanted from me, and knowing it was for the best. For supporting all the phases I went through, many were boozjwa, but they were nice when I believed they weren't. I'm taking a train to make myself better, I've been on it ever since Pet Detective, Thank you.

To say I wasn't expecting this would be a lie, and the last thing I want to do is lie to all the people that just voted for me. Heck, they even told me before the show started that I would win, they just didn't tell the other who were nominated. Whoops, sorry Academy, the secret got out. But enough for introductions, I do want to thank everyone who voted for me though, this is truly an honor. Mom and Dad, this goes out to you. Brother, you too, even though you are kind of a d**k. Dork, I mean.

Wow, an Oscar for Coolest Person Ever. Wasn't expecting this! Well...okay, I was. So thanks Academy, for this amazing nomination. I mean, I always knew I was cool, but I'm glad someone else on this earth has recognized it. About Time. Shoulda' gotten it the day I was originally conceived by mis padres. Thank you to Samantha; for being fkking awesome right along with me. Oh, my apologies, I mean fkking cool. Thank you to my inspirational sister, who taught me you don't have to be like your parents, thank god. Thank you to my atheist-ness. Not really, but people always thank God, and I felt out of the loop. Lastly, thank you to my reason for living, Rory, my West Highland White Terrier.

i would like to thank me for being so fabulous. oh and all those little people too, who turned me from an illiterate sasquatch in to this specimen of modern art. of course i am too stuck up to remember their names, i have so much botox and silicone in my body, i cant remember my own name. oh and i have to thank God so that you will all by my tickets next time whether i believe in him/her or not because you do. and then i will make more in a minute than you make in a lifetime, okay rock on.

so i am feeling a little cynical

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."

Followed by a multitude of fireworks.

I'd like to thank the Academy for placing me among such honored names. I'd also like to thank my family for their support and patience. For those of you who did not believe in me, hindered me, or had doubts...well
The Best Revenge is Living Well.
Thank you very much. Now --- on to my next project -- The Adonis Effect!

SoulPancake

mrfritz

And the Oscar goes to...

Give us your best acceptance speech. Quick-write [poem it, prose it, just bust it out in under 500 words] your thankfulness for all the little people in your life.

In a perfect world...

Time Travel Quick-Write

What Do You Do Differently?

jackmelody

yes thank you Thank you there are so many people i want to thank but first off i just want to say-(monkey swoops down and takes my award) HEY!!! who let a monkey in here! hey he's going the window NOOOOOO!!!!!
MY OSCAR!!!

bretjolliffe

I'd like to thank all the people that spend their time wishing on the stars. It was nice that you weren't in the way. Peace. [Then I'd throw the mic, and a DJ would play dubstep as 14 girls escorted me off the stage in a synchronized dance around me.]

JJMeylar

MR_Zed

To all the trolls who said I could never do this, you were right, I rigged the votes. Oh well, too late to do anything about it now right?

SteelMeshHippo

TheFrankie

Usually, people like to thank people that helped them along the way. But I don't have to thank anybody. I did this whole damn thing by myself. So thanks, me.

Just kidding. I don't know what I'd say.

greatgrandmasue

I thank Oscar for waiting for me.

begoniaskies

jazzbird41

thanks for my parents giving birth to me. without you guys, i wouldn't be here. i'd also like to thank everybody who i've triumphed (assuming this oscar is for life's merits). it's a tough world out there, and im not going down without a fight.

NotAndyRichter

elguapo

susantroche

Scorpio117

OMG thank.......? wait this isn't my name on the on the card ..........

jennifercave

I got an OSCAR? where did I go wrong? How did I end up in this twisted popularity contest? No thanks. If if were given for merit, I would feel differently.

Zachary

Whisney

jenniferricke

bigmama

lil_dancer95

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."

Followed by a multitude of fireworks.

furyious

And the Oscar goes to...

Give us your best acceptance speech. Quick-write [poem it, prose it, just bust it out in under 500 words] your thankfulness for all the little people in your life.

In a perfect world...

Time Travel Quick-Write

What Do You Do Differently?

yes thank you Thank you there are so many people i want to thank but first off i just want to say-(monkey swoops down and takes my award) HEY!!! who let a monkey in here! hey he's going the window NOOOOOO!!!!!MY OSCAR!!!

I'd like to thank all the people that spend their time wishing on the stars. It was nice that you weren't in the way. Peace. [Then I'd throw the mic, and a DJ would play dubstep as 14 girls escorted me off the stage in a synchronized dance around me.]

To all the trolls who said I could never do this, you were right, I rigged the votes. Oh well, too late to do anything about it now right?

Usually, people like to thank people that helped them along the way. But I don't have to thank anybody. I did this whole damn thing by myself. So thanks, me. Just kidding. I don't know what I'd say.

I thank Oscar for waiting for me.

thanks for my parents giving birth to me. without you guys, i wouldn't be here. i'd also like to thank everybody who i've triumphed (assuming this oscar is for life's merits). it's a tough world out there, and im not going down without a fight.

OMG thank.......? wait this isn't my name on the on the card ..........

I got an OSCAR? where did I go wrong? How did I end up in this twisted popularity contest? No thanks. If if were given for merit, I would feel differently.

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."Followed by a multitude of fireworks.

What's Next?

yes thank you Thank you there are so many people i want to thank but first off i just want to say-(monkey swoops down and takes my award) HEY!!! who let a monkey in here! hey he's going the window NOOOOOO!!!!!
MY OSCAR!!!

Usually, people like to thank people that helped them along the way. But I don't have to thank anybody. I did this whole damn thing by myself. So thanks, me.

Just kidding. I don't know what I'd say.

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."

Followed by a multitude of fireworks.